Interview with the werewolf past me
It has been trending on Wittler making little "interviews" with a younger version of yourself, to show off how grown up and mature you are, while also staying in touch with your inner child and all that bullcrap.
That is to say, I found it insufferable. BUT it gave me an idea.
Attempt n°1
Hey can you help me out with something? For internet clout and stuff?
Sure. I got nothing better to do today.
Let's start by introducing yourself
why
It's an interview, like those "interviewing myself" kinda thing
I thought you hated those
I do but this is funnier
hm
So, can you introduce yourself?
Sure, whatever. My name is Chica Thornberry and I'm... Well, I died at around 30 years old. I've been dead since 1409 and you'd think I'd get to rest peacefully by now.
So you'd rather go "back to the shed"?
Never said that, damn you're heartless!
Anyways, why don't you tell me about your likes and dislikes?
You're just brushing off that threat to my life? you're a cold man, Shelby.
It wasn't a threat, it was an OPTION, since you wanna rest that badly
Right right right. Next time I'll put a knife to your throat so you can have the OPTION to join me in the shed.
I have no doubt you'll actually do it so let's just move on. What your life is, uh, was like?
Shit, mostly
Care to elaborate?
Uhg, fine. I woke up in a beach in Deo Caliz, approximately 15 years old. I had nothing so I had to steal to eat.
But you HAD to?
Yeah, all other options were lame.
At some point someone from the adventurers guild told me that my thief skills were awesome and could be useful to an adventuring party, so I did that for a while. But then my party died so I skipped town and got involved in some bigger capers. That went kinda well until one day a lame Manbat knockoff stabbed me in an alley.
That's rough
It get's worse, I get to exist again and find that Timothy fucked that guy
I DID NOT!!!!!!!
Did you hear something?
Nope
Must have been the wind. Moving on, this is the first time you mentioned an adventuring party?
Oh yeah, I don't talk about them often. They were Glenn: she was the muscle, or the sword I guess, she loved those things. Then her dog/friend Ralph: he was our in-house alchemist, botanic nerd and occational greyhound all in one.
Glenn and Ralph atarted adventuring toghether but ended up adding people with the skills they lacked, that's how they found Komiko and me.
And last but not least, Komi was our reluctant support. She was cynical and constantly critical of everything we did, but deep down she loved us very much.
They sound cool, what happened to them?
I told you. They all died.
Yeah but... Oh whatever. What happened next?
Went south, started building my own criminal empire but my wings were cut far too early. Also my death was part of a stupidly convoluted plan but that's like, a whole other story.
Wait, what?
Yeah, complete with time-travelers and shit. Can't remember most of it though.
Chica what THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN
Y'know, guys who came from the future using their advanced technology and shit.
Oh, you're just pulling my leg, I see.
If that makes you sleep better at night.
And what happened after that?
After my death? Not the eternal rest I was promised, I can tell you that much.
We're not having this conversation again, and you know what I mean.
Fine. I reincarnated into that yellow cumsock over there. It took him a few years but he ended up remembering me, and he somehow managed to separate my consciousness from his, making me fully independent. Like you're doing right now.
And you've never thanked me for that.
Nothing to be grateful about, really.
Why do I even keep you around?
Damn you can't take a fucking joke, can you?
Whatever, let's get done with this. What do you like best about the present?
The internet is fun, you can tell people to kill themseves from anywhere in the planet instantly.
Figured. And what about present day me?
huh?
Yeah, describe me in three words or some shit like that.
Lame, nerd
Hey!
and a virgin-loser
Those are four words!
Virgin-loser is a single one, wiht a hyphen in the middle.
Yeah whatever, we're done here. Back into the shed with you.
WAIT NONONONONON-
That is all for today, come join us next time when I find someone more cooperative. Goodbye!
Attempt n°2
Will you cooperate this time?
FINE! Sheesh.
Ok, there are some things I want to know about remembering.
The go to a doctor, you got one for everything nowadays.
Shut! I mean remembering former lives.
Still not your best choice, buddy. I was never able to fully remember anyone.
Well let's start there. How much did you remember?
Ok... I started by remembering some of Cedar's life, just some small flashes and scenes. Enough to know about him and figure out what our deal is. By the time I died I managed to remember about ten or twelve diffrent lives, just small scenes of each of them. I couldn't tell you which ones they were now, most of them were a one and done deal.
And how about being remembered? How does that feel?
Kinda like being alive? But, less? Like, the body you made is pretty good but it still doesn't feel like mine did- uh, yours does I guess. It feels, weaker and slower, no offense.
None taken
Maybe some offense, then. It took me years of my life to reach my full potential, y'know? This new body sucks ass and you should feel bad about it.
I'm doing my best.
Your best sucks.
You should be grateful you get to have a tangible body at all.
Took you long enough to figure that one out.
Do you wanna tell the internet what's like to be a ghost?
Hell no. That's info for enochs only.
I always hoped this page could be useful to the next one.
Then I'll tell them once you die.
Fair enough, then. There is, uh, one last thing I'd like to know.
Shoot away then
Am I... in danger?
Like, in general? I mean yes, very much so, but like-
No, no. I know this whole enoch deal is rotten, I mean. Is remembering you lot... uh, gonna harm me?
How exactly? Like, yes. We're an unlucky bunch and we'll probably cause your demise.
You said both Sig and Tim died because they "remembered too much", won't that happen to me too?
Sigfried killed himself and Timmy was about to die anyways. Once it's your turn you'll probably spot it from a mile away.
So... It can be avoided then?
Hell no. You'll die knowing damn well you're causing your own death, and you won't be able to do anything about it.
Oh Gods.
Don't bother with them, they hate us also.
Oh yeah, almost forgot the universe hates me for the crime of existing.
...
...
I mean, you're pretty lucky, all things considered.
Are you trying to cheer me up?
Is it working?
Not yet.
I mean, your life is pretty comfortable. You got adopted into a normal family and got to sit all day as your job.
Is calling me boring your strategy for cheering me up?
Yeah! I would have killed for boring! I had to run for my life since I started existing. I died while still running.
Chica that's bumming me out even further.
Ok, ok, ok. I'm trying to say, my life was shit. And yours is better in pretty much every way. And I guess, it's pretty cool that we get to chill for once.
Wow. That's the closest to grateful you've ever been.
Don't make this weird, Shelby.
You know you can call me Fred right?
I know.
So, is that it?
Yeah, unless you got something to add.
I'm good I think. wait. Wait. Actually, why did you wanna interview me of all people?
You're the coolest, like, objectively. If they could measure coolness with a ruler you wouldn't even fit.
Wow, finally someone's brave enough to tell it to my face.
You're also the least intimidating one around here.
WHAT.
Most of us have this opressive aura of knowing twice as much as they're willing to share, and that doesn't bode well on an interview.
ARE YOU SERIOUSLY SAYING IM LESS INTIMIDATING THAN THESE CLOWNS?! ARE YOU OF YOUR MIND OR OUT OF WILL TO LIVE?
Sadly that's all the time we have for today, thank you for joining me and goodbye.
HEY! Shelby don't you dare walk away- SHELBY!